This year we will experience 4 unusual dates.... 1/1/11, 1/11/11, 11/1/11, 11/11/11
NOW take the last 2 digits of the year you were born plus the age you will be THIS year and it WILL EQUAL .... 111
A man staggered into a hospital with a concussion, multiple bruises, two black eyes, and a five iron wrapped tightly around his throat.
Naturally, the Doctor asked him, "What happened to YOU?"
"Well, I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife, when at a difficult hole; we both sliced our golf balls into a field of cattle.
We went to look for them and while I was looking around I noticed one of the cows had something white at its rear end."
"I walked over, lifted its tail, and sure enough, there was a golf ball with my wife's monogram on it - stuck right in the middle of the cow's ass.
Still holding the cow's tail up, I yelled to my wife,
"Hey, this looks like yours!'"
"I don't remember much after that"
The Government have issued a warning due to climate change.
They suggest that anyone travelling in the current conditions should make sure they have the following:
Blankets or sleeping bag
Extra clothing including hat and gloves
24 hours’ worth of food
Torch or lantern with spare batteries
Road Flares or Reflective Triangles
Spare Can of Petrol or Diesel
First Aid Kit
... I must have looked a right prat on the bus this morning!
Sometime this year, we taxpayers will receive another 'Economic Stimulus' payment.
This is indeed a very exciting program, and I'll explain it by using a Q & A format:
Q. What is an 'Economic Stimulus' payment?
A. It is money that the government will send to taxpayers.
Q. Where will the government get this money ?
A. From taxpayers.
Q. So the government is giving me back my own money?
A. Only a smidgen of it.
Q. What is the purpose of this payment?
A. The plan is for you to use the money to purchase a high-definition TV set, thus stimulating the economy.
Q. But isn't that stimulating the economy of China?
A. Shut up.
Below is some helpful advice on how to best help the U.K. economy by spending your stimulus cheque wisely:
* If you spend the stimulus money at Asda or Tesco, the money will go to China, Taiwan or Sri Lanka .
* If you spend it on petrol, your money will go to the Arabs.
* If you purchase a computer, it will go to India, Taiwan or China .
* If you purchase fruit and vegetables, it will go to Mexico, Honduras and Guatemala ..
* If you buy an efficient car, it will go to Japan or Korea .
* If you purchase useless stuff, it will go to Taiwan .
* If you pay your credit cards off, or buy shares, it will go to management bonuses and they will hide it offshore.
Instead, keep the money in the UK by:
1) Spending it at car boot sales, or
2) Going to night clubs, or
3) Spending it on prostitutes, or
4) Beer or whisky or
(These are the only UK businesses still operating in the U.K. )
Be patriotic - go to a night club with a tattooed prostitute that you met at a car boot sale and drink beer day and night!
No need to thank me, I'm just glad I could be of help.